Cambridge Who's Who

Well,

Here's some good news for the month of December. As I am stubbornly trying to maintain a positive light to this blog, I'd like to thank Cambridge for offering this site and membership to me. I'm in the midst of trying to pull together my "web presence," so those reading just be patient with me since the powers that be seem to love to throw curve balls at me this year.

Here's the progress thus far.

I have discontinued my membership with the Examiner.com largely because my day job has required much more attention to detail and I don't believe that it's fair to keep readers hanging on my posts for more than a few weeks at a time. I may attempt to restart that in time, but for now I have enough on my plate.

In order to keep a writing edge going I'm continuing with my reading of "Farmers & Mercenaries" by Max Drake Max is a great help for an aspiring author and I'm privileged to have his ear and time. I look forward to finishing his novel this winter.

Professionally, I'm trying to hold onto the position I have at InterDesign and hope that this works out since I like the people I work for and they have been good to me. I'm no different than others though in this year of recession. Cut backs, pay cuts and the like are making life challenging and I'm hoping that it all lets up soon.

November-October in Pictures:

Student Loans = Professional Mortgage Crisis of 2020.

I've got a question to the entire country, especially it's leaders who may not realize just who and how real people are effected by their gavels and pens.

Why does the Department of Education in the USA finance degrees whose inherent, real world value for a typical C student is not worth the financing?
Why do I ask this? I ask because I am not a C student and yet had I been confronted by my lender with the blunt refusal to pay for a bad investment, I'd have made a better choice a long time ago and avoided a train wreck that I face today in the process. I ask because my train wreck is recoverable eventually, but in learning about my own stupidity I also discovered that I am not alone. In fact, I am in much better shape than many whose degrees have earning potentials that are so far below the investments made by those lending the money to finance the education in the first place. I learned that many of these people will literally never pay off their loans and never have enough value to recoup the loss! So -- I ask why? Why do we even allow this circumstance to exist at all?

My College Investment Past
I went to college at (George Fox University) and like many students, my parents did not and could not pay for it all. In the first year they took out a sizable loan of about $10,000, then I paid for the rest because their income was too great for grants and not great enough to continue paying for school. I worked full time making about $600 per month and still ended up with a student loan of $24,000, which when consolidated with my 1st wife totaled $35,000 for degrees that are not worth that principal in real world wages. After the degree in Sociology/Social Work proved for me to produce a peak income of $32,000 per year, I went back to school for a technology associates degree at ITT. Admittedly, I should have done this the first time and would have, if my lender had the balls to refuse to pay for a comparatively less valuable vocation. My loan for this second degree was for about $24,000 and my first position paid almost 2x the principal owed on the loan. This difference alone speaks for itself!

My Present Situation
Today my debts would be reasonable, but for my situation which I believe is anything except reasonable. I pay on my first student loan alone now because the primary payer has made no payments since 1997 and I have no power to force them to do so. That loan is at $24,000 and my second loan is at $10,000. I have two credit cards with balances on them: one for $6000 and the other for $500. Lastly, I am divorced in the state of Indiana and my check is garnished for child support because that's just how this state does it by default. I have never missed a payment, even for that month or two that the court was not fast enough to help pay the bills for my son. This year tragedy, the divorce and several set backs ultimately resulted in me consulting with an attorney about my situation and it was the results of that consultation that lead me to ask the fundamental question of this post.

The Problem
What I heard from this attorney was shocking and it pleads on its knees to have this question answered. At what point does Salie Mae actually pay any attention to the money it shells out for degrees that are barely worth the paper they are written on?

I have a single 2 year degree that is doing a better job of repaying on the value of three degrees than the first could ever hope to do while the first degree serves almost zero function in my professional earnings today! Yet, I am paying on something that was given as an opportunity not because it was a good choice, but because it was any choice at all. Is this wise for anyone, let alone the bonehead I was to get into it in the first place? Why should Salie Mae be forced to lend money for known weak investments such as these when to do so obligates the US tax payer to finance a choice that ultimately has significantly less value than was put into it?

I mean no offense to History teachers, social workers or others who work in generally low paying professions which require degrees. Granted, society should care more about these subjects, but the blunt truth is that it doesn't and it's not going to change just because you throw money down the toilet propping up its membership. So, again, why in the name of all that is sane does Salie Mae or any education lending firm have an obligation to loan students MILLIONS of dollars for degrees like this when it knows from statistical data that the average performer in those fields won't be able to pay for the financing while working in that profession? Are we so damned paranoid that someone might infringe on the "freedom" to be an idiot with money that we are willing to tank the idiot's life and our economy on grossly overvalued investments? Is a BS in history REALLY worth $100,000 or a BS that only grants access to take the Bar exam worth 400,000?

Ok, I admit that 1 in 10,000 people may justify some nay sayer by being an exception to the rule, but financial decisions should not be banked on the extraordinary people in education! We have to think about the C average student! So, let me rephrase this. Is a C average student with a BS in Social Work really worth $40,000+? My answer from real world living is simple -- no, no, no, no!! That C average student is the same one to blow thousands on credit cards, tank his credit on a $400,000 home and make a whole host of other lame decisions all in the name of "free choice"? So... again... why is the US tax payer beholden to this line of illogical thinking by fueling a choice to move from grocery clerk to high school history teacher to the tune of $40,000+?

...Um, hello! Does that sound at all like anything else we've been going through this year? anyone? ...Beuller?

Lesson Learned

Well, yesterday was... interesting. I will have to work harder to be sure that I understand what people say in IM better. Text is just not a very good way to convey enough of a conversation for me it seems, leading to all kinds of mayhem.

New Rule: If in doubt, assume that you didn't understand the message and leave it alone.

A New Week

I started this week with a new approach. So far it is going better. It's no miracle and no great discovery either. The trick was to just ignore the pain and let it go by concentrating on something other than it. I spent this week each trying to find one person that I could reach out to help make their day happier. Honestly, I don't think a few weeks ago I could have done it. Now, however, I know that this new life... it has to be different. I have to question everything about my daily habits, my interests... everything and this was part of that.

Don't get me wrong. Selfless actions are not second nature, but I'm not a self absorbed jerk either. The difference is not what I should be focussing on, it's whether I can really do it. When you're in pain it's instinct to nurse the wound, to obsess even about what you've lost, to lose faith in yourself to be better or do better. I was raised with that Judeo-Christian assumption that people can't be good on their own. The belief that left to ourselves we are nothing more than self-centered heathens on a downhill road to depravity. What changed for me was that I rejected that presumption and insisted that I hold myself to a higher standard in spite of my circumstances.

What I have discovered in just a week is that the Buddhists are right. It does make a difference where we start in our assumptions. The mantra, Om mani padme um, contains a simple, beautiful truth. We are all capable of goodness. Our nature state, the one where we are at peace with ourselves is selfless and compassionate by nature. Desire, as in passion for life or good experiences, is not the enemy. Desire directed inward that is the enemy.

I may not have the right words to express it today. I may never have them, but today is different than it has been in a while now and I'm ok with being wrong. I'd like to thank those putting up with me in this time and those who probably don't even know that they have helped me. Their honesty and example is helping. Blue October...thank you for not sugar coating life. It is messy, ugly and sometimes downright hellish. Yet through all of it there is a decency in the mud, like the lotus that rises from the mirk. To Dalai Lama and those others touching my life from afar... I may never be a monk, but thank you for the lessons. May one day I be worthy of them.

Budget Cuts

Well, more budget cuts around me. I'm looking at a $0 mad money budget for the foreseeable future. The good news is that this answers the dating question for me as well as just about any other expense related question. The only down side is that I'm gonna have to take up Air Weaving as a hobby since pretty much all of the others require some amount of money to maintain. Sniff, Sniff.. nothing like the smell of ash in the morning.

For those following that know about my other internet sites, here's the scoop:

• Fhtagn Industries was switched to free hosting because I can't afford to pay for it. It still supports the Cthulhu Live stuff, but pretty much everything else is coming down as I neither have the time or energy to invest in it now.


• The Examiner Articles are still being written, but will come out 1-2 per month since I need to work more at jobs that pay the bills.


• M13 Tide of Souls is a dead stick. I don't have the time to invest in trying to publish it right now as bills need to be paid and I have to be both rested and able to work pretty much whenever.


• The Madson Adventures along with pretty much every other writing related job is on hold until things chill out financially.


• The Mapping Project for Skirmisher Publishing is still being developed but very slowly... guess why? yep. No $, so that's the way the charcoal crumbles right now. Hopefully it will change later.

Chapter Ot

I got word this afternoon that the divorce is final. It's one of those days when a piece of paper changes everything, at least on paper. See? I still have that cruddy humor going for me. What's not to love? Anyway, I'm officially out of limbo and I'm just waiting for my hell-mate to show up and declare his bunk. Crap, I'm full of these quips today, aren't I?

Well, now that I've got the eviction notice from married life everybody has a ____'ing opinion on when and what I should be doing except me. In fact, as if she knew before I did the receptionist at my job asked me today if I was going to date! The question from this sweet little grandma caught me off guard since I never expected it to be posed to me in real life again. The answer is I don't know anymore and she's just waiting in a long line of folks anxious to offer me some dusty tome of advice or other well intended gifts held for just such an occasion as this one in man's life.

I know that they are trying to reach out to somebody they care about, but the loudest voice in my head right now is my own and it's telling me that the gig is up. I'm roasted, toasted and ready to be coasted because I'm ten years too late to learn how to be something I obviously can't seem to get right.

Well... that's all I've got today.

On an only slightly related note. I thought I plug a musical group who is instrumental in helping me to cope through this last year. I watched all of their videos on You Tube. Some of them are available via Universal Music Group.

Justin has a powerful message for those whose lives are just not white-picket-fence ready. I appreciate him, what he's trying to do because sometimes it's not about fixing it as much as it is accepting our messed up state. I hold no delusions of grand salvation, in fact, my experience has made me exceedingly cynical and skeptical of them. They fall flat whenever they must deal with something broken, I mean really deal not anesthetize, brain wash or otherwise lobotomize the realities of some people's lives.

I've linked to a couple of their videos that I found especially poignant, not because they apply to me so much as I understand them in a way that I never would have only a few years ago. That group's name is Blue October and I have only once before in my life recommended a musical group like this. They are amazing and deserve the credit.

Hate Me

Calling You

Interview

Life Chez Ward

So, here it is. I'm waiting for the judge to sign off on the end of a chapter in my life. A no fault divorce status doesn't offer comfort when the end of a marriage still leaves you doubting that there will be any more interesting chapters worth living through. There are days when I think that just leaving the rest of the book blank is better. It's a crappy story right now anyway, but I have a son and people that count on me breathing some more so I guess I'll man-up and try to be interesting anyway.

Still, I wish there was a reset button. At this point I'd delete this saved game and start over in a heartbeat given the chance, but I'm fresh out of quarters, I have about as much faith in God as I do lady luck (both of whom seem to have perpetual vendetta against me) and as much as I'd like it to be otherwise life just isn't an X-BOX.

It's not all that bad though. I have a job that pays most of my bills and this morning I was able to save myself $65 by doing my own HVAC work. I hope that soon I'll be able to say that my bit of sweet news is the genuine article. I'm tired of the saccharine of half full cups and painted glasses. The fact is life just sucks right now and if I had the money, I'd say I could use a beer.